and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
