Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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