i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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