new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO