I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
cat food counts as protein by the way
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
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I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.