would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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