I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
