You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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