I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
