I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
