I accidentally burped into my bong.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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