I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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