The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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