tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
