Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
