doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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