Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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