eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
