Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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