my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
