We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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