I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
