turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
