He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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