Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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