I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Enjoy the penises
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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