she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
