If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
