Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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