I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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