I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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