I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just want nice things and good sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
