I think my fart just growled at me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
