when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
