I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
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can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.