You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.