fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
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There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT