my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
