I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize