Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
