It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
