omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
