I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
