Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
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If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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