I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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