if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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