i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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