my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
