toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
