she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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