I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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