I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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