so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The beer is more important than you right now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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