I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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