Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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