I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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