I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
