The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
