Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
