gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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